Grace felt the little life stir within her. She put her hand on her little round tummy. "It will not be long now," she whispered. She was due on December 25, but the doctor had said that first babies were usually unpredictable. The ultra-sound had shown them that the baby was a boy, but even then, they could not settle on a name for him. They wanted a special name for a special baby. Tom was sure that they would both know his name the minute they saw his little face.Grace could not help but hope that he would arrive on his scheduled date. That would make him share a very important birthday. She and Tom had waited a very long time for this event, and it was hard to believe it was beginning to come to an end. Grace had worked all morning putting finishing touches on her perfect little nursery. Tom had worked many long hours at the church, and then would come in and work well into the night papering and painting. She could not help but laugh when she thought about the night they both tried to put the crib together. Even with directions it took many hours of sweat and tears over mashed fingers. Tom had even threatened to hire a six-year-old to come in and finish the job. Now that the job was finished, they both could truly say that it was worth it all. It was a perfect little nursery.
Grace began to think back to when they had come to the little country church. It was the first church that had called them after Tom had finished seminary. Tom felt it was where God would have them to be. Grace had to admit he was right, God had really been good to them to bring them there. The people had always been so good and so supportive of them. She remembered a time when she had not always felt that God was good to her or even loved her at all. It was a few years ago when they had decided to start a family. They tried for quite a while before they broke down and went to the doctor for a check up. The doctor ran tests and poked and prodded and finally came to the diagnosis that they were infertile. He told them their chances of conceiving were slim to none. He told them of some other options, but Grace did not hear anything he said after the word infertile. She remembered the hurt and disappointment that she and Tom felt after hearing those words. They came home that afternoon and fell across the bed and cried together for a long while. They both finally fell into a fitful sleep and were not awakened until the sun came in their window the next morning. Grace awoke first. She could not focus on where she was nor why her head hurt so badly. Rubbing her eyes, she sat up. Now the fog was beginning to clear. Now she remembered the bad news. How could she go on? Being a wife and a mother was her dream. She had never felt such disappointment. Grace felt the sting of tears again. She laid her head on her husbands chest and wept softly. Tom awoke when he heard his wife crying. He held her in his arms and just let her cry.
"It will be all right, Gracie," he said, trying to comfort her.
She raised her head and looked at her husband, "Do you think that God is mad at us?" she asked, only half believing what she had said."Of course not, Honey," he answered.
"Well, then why do I feel as though I am being punished for something? I just do not understand why God would not want us to have a family."
"That is your hurt and disappointment talking, Grace. You know that God would not do that. He has a purpose for our lives and His purpose will become clear in time. We will get through this, you will see."
Grace was not sure that she wanted to get through this. Something in her died when she got that news and part of her wanted to die with it. God might not be mad at her, but she was sure mad at him. The thought of being mad at God frightened her a little. What would God do with someone who was mad at Him? Well, she just did not care! She was hurt and angry and that was that.
The days drug on, with Grace barely able to function. She seemed to be getting even more depressed and angry. Tom had even begun to get upset with her. He told her to snap out of it. Life had to go on. He told her that he needed her and that the people at church needed her. She knew what he was saying was true, but she just could not force herself back into the land of the living. That was the night of men's prayer, and Tom went as usual leaving Grace at home alone. She did not want him to go but she really did not want him at home with her either. She wanted to be alone in her little pity party.
Tom stooped and kissed her on the cheek, promising to have the men to have special prayer for her. Even in her slump, she trusted in her husband's words. She had not forgotten the power of prayer. She had closed herself off from God, her husband, and the church. The ladies had tried to help console her, but she would not let them be a part of her grief. She really began to feel more alone than she had ever felt in her life. Tears stung her eyes, but she refused to let them out. She wanted to cry out for God, but she could not get the words to come out.
In her mind, she began to hear the words to the song, 'Never Alone.' She tried to sing the words with her mouth, but nothing would come out. Suddenly, she felt as if someone were there singing the chorus to her. She felt the iciness around her heart begin to melt. God was not angry at her, even now, when she had been so mad at Him. She began to cry tears of relief, of sorrow, and of love all at the same time. She threw herself on God and began to cry out to Him, not in anger now, but in love and disappointment. She began to ask God to help her understand and to accept the fact that she and Tom would never have a family of their own. She felt God's presence stronger than she had in a long time. God began to impress on Gracie's heart that it was not that He did not want her to have a family, but He wanted her to want Him, more. He wanted to be the most important person in her life. He told Grace to trust Him and He would take care of her. Somehow, in a way that Gracie could not explain, she let go of the dream that she had for life and took hold of Gods plan for her. She was so excited that she could hardly contain herself until Tom got home to tell him. Little did Grace know that while she was meeting with God, Tom was also meeting with God. God was telling Tom that everything was okay now. He also told Tom that they would have family someday. God gave Tom the verse Luke 1:37. For with God nothing shall be impossible.
That all seemed so long ago, but it was really only a little over year. Grace's doctor was astounded when Grace's pregnancy test came back positive. He scratched his head and told them he sure never expected this to happen. They smiled and said, "God is a God of miracles." The doctor just shook his head in disbelief.
Grace, still sitting in a rocking chair in her perfect nursery, began to sing Christmas carols to her unborn son. "You know, I think I know how Mary must have felt," she thought aloud. To have such a tiny miracle growing inside you was such an awesome feeling. Mary was no different from anyone else, except that she loved God and surrendered herself to be used by Him, in anyway He saw fit. Grace had also surrendered her life to God, to do with as he saw fit.
Psalm 37:4 came to her mind, Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. She knew that it did not mean that God would give her all that she wanted, but that her desires would become Godly desires. She would want what God wanted for her life. It just so happened, that God wanted a baby to be born. She patted her tummy again, "You really are a Christmas Miracle," she told him.
JOYFULLY YOURS,
Kate Fuqua