The title of this article is taken from a song called Growing Young. This song, or more specifically this phrase, was being sung the moment my loneliness dissipated in the presence of a loving Savior. I want to write to those of you who know or even suspect that you are lost, those who have yet to meet the Savior that I am talking about. I hope that by reading this, you will find that someone else has been where you are now and that there is a God who is concerned about you and wants to be with you.
I want to start by telling you a little about my life and what I have learned about salvation. Growing up in a small town, I went to church fairly regularly; even more often when I was in high school. Being in and around church so much, I knew about Jesus and that He had died for me. But it didn't seem to apply to me (at least not in a serious way.) I always wanted to fit in with the crowd that I was around and church crowds were no exception. As a result I had numerous "experiences" and thought that I was saved most of my life. After high school, I felt a call to preach and surrendered to it my sophomore year in college. Soon after, I began working with and leading many church groups and activities. As the years went on, I got more and more involved until I reached a point that I could no longer listen to the doubts and fears that were haunting me so regularly. I had completely tuned them out and assumed that I must be saved and I must be in God's will based on my successes. I was accomplishing so much, yet I could not shake that nagging feeling that something just wasn't right. It also bothered me that so many were looking to me for an example and for help yet I could not honestly say that I really knew who God was or what He wanted for my life.
These struggles continued for several years (well hidden of course) until unforeseen circumstances brought me to Bro. Terry Owen. We talked about my "experiences" and the religious things on to which I was holding. Eventually my eyes were opened and I could clearly see that my past was all me. I had never met God and therefore had never been saved. Suddenly all the things that I had been holding on to like a security blanket were gone. It was good to finally admit that I was lost and I thought that it would be easy to get saved. However, all these years of falsehood had given me a misconception about God, His love, and His salvation. I could not bow and say a magical prayer to accept Him into my heart like I had thought. I had to come to an understanding of these things as well as an understanding of where I was without God. The hardest thing for me to understand was that I could not understand these things - God had to work that understanding in me.
As time wore on the pressure of being lost became almost as burdensome as the pressure to pretend I was saved. Oh, that I could wake up and find this all a dream! I continued searching and seeking after God but my flesh just kept saying, "Forget it. If you're lost you might as well go out and enjoy life." Oh, how my flesh longed for the things of the world, yet a part of me knew that I just had to have God. The world had not been able to satisfy me thus far, why should I think that it will now. My mind was a constant, bloody battlefield. Every time I thought that I was making progress, I would find that I was still no closer to God. I could not see that I was working myself to death trying to bring on conviction, and repentance, and even the presence of God. I was struggling to get to God even though I still did not realize or understand that I was apart from God - all alone!
I was beginning to realize that even my idea of lostness was misconstrued. I knew that it meant not having God, but now I was seeing that not having God meant that I was all alone. I now had a head knowledge of being lost and alone; however, it would take time for it to sink in.
The day that God had fore ordained suddenly arrived. I felt the same, not knowing what God had in mind. Lostness still didn't feel the way that I had expected it. We were at men's prayer one Saturday morning when God began bringing His work in me to a glorious close. During prayer the Spirit pierced my heart with painful conviction. I felt as if something was terribly wrong, yet I had no idea what it could be. I struggled for what seemed like years begging God to help me, to take this pain off me. As the battle ensued, Bro. Terry asked Bro. Tim Tutor to sing the song I mentioned earlier, Growing Young.
Then for the first time in my life, I began understanding some things about God. First, I was a miserable excuse for a human. God had no use for a person like this. Why did I even expect Him to waste His time on me? I didn't deserve God's love nor His Son. His salvation was too precious to be wasted on a worthless sinner like me. I was hopeless. Second, I was in the presence of about twenty men of God. These were His Chosen, His Elite, His Strongmen. What in the world was I doing there? I couldn't possibly fit in with them. I didn't deserve to be in their presence, let alone to have them praying for me. Third, if I was this unworthy in comparison to these men, then my mind would not be able to comprehend being in the presence of their God. Why would the Creator of heaven and earth stop everything just to help little ol' scummy me?
By this time the song was over and so, I thought, were my chances of get saved. Before the music had faded, Bro. Terry asked him to sing it again. Then suddenly it hit me like a load of bricks. With the first words of the song, I finally realized that I was completely and totally ALONE!!! I was alone without God or His Son. I was alone, though I was in the presence of all these men who loved me and were praying for me. I was alone with nowhere to turn, no one to help. At that moment I realized that this was a taste of where I was headed - Hell! I knew what Jesus must have felt when God turned His face from Him and let Him die. I knew what Peter must have felt when he denied that he knew Christ and Jesus looked Him in the eye. Singled out, deserted, abandoned, forsaken, isolated, but most of all - LONESOME!!! Oh, how I longed for God's gentle touch, for His words of compassion. Just then my pastor, Bro. Terry Owen, following God's lead, put his arm around me and said, "It's O.K., Mark. God loves you and He wants to save you." He continued to help me see who God was and what salvation was. He told me that God wanted me more than I could ever want Him. I was struggling to believe him and to trust God to save me, but I began to realize that it was impossible, that God would have to do it for me. At that moment the words of that song came to life as Bro. Tim sang - "And when I thought that I was all alone, it was your voice I heard calling me back home." It really was God!!! He stopped all of heaven and earth and said "Mark, I love you!" Suddenly God's love was so overwhelming that believing came naturally and peace swallowed up the pain and conviction. I was free - He did it!!! He saved me!!!
There have been times when I got out of God's will and could sense that His presence wasn't so near, but I have never felt alone since. Recently Bro. Tim Rutherford preached a sermon titled "I Will Not Leave You." He reminded me that God is always with me. It was so good to know deep down inside that I've got God. He's in me; therefore, He is always with me.
I know it sounds strange, but alone is a really good place. Oh, that men would long for a place called Alone! It is there that you will hear a still, small voice saying, "I love you and I want you to be my child." Suddenly the lonesomeness will be gone, because God said, "I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee." - Heb. 13:5 Even Jesus said, "I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you forever." - John 14:16 When God comes into your heart, you are sealed unto Him; therefore nothing can separate you from the Love of God. - Eph. 1:13-14 & Rom. 8:35-39
May God bless you with his presence, love, and salvation.
- Bro. Mark Fuqua